Written to myself in June 2026, two months before releasing Samam, when I was really hurting.
Processing
It is all about processing. It is not what happens, it is not about how it happened. It is about how we processed that information then, how we process that information later, and how we process that information recurrently, and how we associate that information with a memory, a story, an emotion in our body. It is more like what makes us strong makes us weak, that is the irony, that is the perpetual balance. Why is love daring, because it makes you aware that you can be hurt so bad. So when you do not know how to find the right person, when the search algorithm is not optimised (in the best case) or random (normal) or just plain faulty (worst case). We need to align with people, the people that make our lives easier, our lives richer, our lives filled with empathy and love. Randomness sometimes works better than bad algorithms. But, can we do better than random?
How do we find the people. There are distinctly two kinds of people in this world. One is people and two is sinkholes. How do we find these sinkholes, where do we draw a line, where do we find the judgment and how do we find peace? We will go down that road.
A lot of things in nature is fantastic design. A key to design is form, a key to design is function, a key to design is intuition, a key to design is beauty, a key to design is simplicity, a key to design is efficiency. All of this tells something fundamentally similar about all human beings. All of us are connected by form, by function and by design. We have a lot of the same design and apparatuses that we share.
The mind can lie, it is a survival machine. If it thinks it can protect you by making and thinking and manifesting a thought, it can. That is how the brain works, it hallucinates a reality until it can feel safe, predictable, known and far away from threat. But, your body will not lie. It knows the secrets, it knows the behaviour, it knows the vulnerabilities, it knows the pressure points, it knows posture, it knows hormones, it knows circulation, it knows lymphatic drainage, it knows dental alignment, it knows spinal alignment, it knows foot alignment, it knows pelvic alignment, it knows shoulder alignment. In some ways than others we are similar, but the enormous complexities, that our lives can make on our body, we tend to go into alignments that are rather dissimilar, which forces the chaos, hence the uniqueness. But there are patterns, there are floors, there are ceilings, there are payoffs, there are bottlenecks. {This makes me want to read more about the human body, anatomy and design.}
All of this tends to manifest in the last resort, the mind-body connection, the feelings and the rationale. The ability to produce new thoughts, the ability to learn, the ability to evolve, the ability to correct, the ability to make mistakes, the ability to laugh at that mistake, the ability to create, the ability to form new ideas, create new designs and process information and supply it to the body. This is all the work of rationale, the mind.
The body in turn gives you as an outcome an emotion, a feeling, a hormone, a physical reaction, a sensation, an experience, a somatic understanding of the event. Things are not what they look like they are: especially things that change, things that grow, things that are alive, things that are life. A person doing that behaviour, that act, that event in itself, never should be a problem, never should be an object of judgment of behaviour, or much worse judgment of the person itself. It is how they process that information, that is the indicator, that is the deal. That is their process, that is their system. That is how their mind and body will communicate. Unless they are capable of evolution (sinkholes are hardly capable), they cannot change out of their pattern.
We do not know enough anatomy at this point. {Genuine curiosity needs purpose, let’s go!!} But for now we can try to use something we can see, that we understand, like emotions and how people deal with that. There are intense emotions, which have words and are easier to categorise. Emotions are very complex and complicated, naming a lot of them is causing more harm. But, these are primal ones, the ones that are easy to identify, it is a pattern. Like anger, like jealousy, like lust, like guilt, like regret, like grief.
Let’s for instance take jealousy. Jealousy is normal, it means someone else has got what you want. It is your body wanting something, your mind is telling you not to. Or is it something that your mind wants, and your body cannot. Once you make good on that decision, you either work on your insecurities, or do your own real work. You improve, you evolve, you move, you grow and reconcile and make the mind body connection of truth and reality and live in peace at that moment. This is the loop, the process and the system that makes a human work towards getting better, making humanity better.
Sinkholes make jealousy about them, they make themselves a victim, they blame the world, they blame the other person, they blame the environment, they do not take accountability. They think they were wronged by the world. They think everybody has an agenda to make their lives worse. They take revenge, they act petty, they try to humiliate, they try to smear the other person so they appear better for themselves in their own rank of hierarchy.
It is their mind and body repeating itself, to their own mind, their own body, their own consciousness, and then to the others and then to the world, their own insecurities and their own victimhood. This is fucked up, poor fucking sinkholes, but anyway, Fuck them! Fucking sinkholes!! But seriously FUCK THEM, because they don’t take jealousy as a signal to work on them, but as a signal to control and manipulate the other person, to make their rank in their own fucking hierarchal mind. They use the jealousy as a signal to torment, to smear, to play victimhood, to humiliate, to take revenge on the other person. They have no capacity for remorse, learning, emotion, empathy, love. They are fucked up, FUCK THEM!!
They not like us!
Unlearning
The idea of the mind is to create new memories, new fears, new addictions, new loops, new anticipations, new horizons, new depths. It is the verticality, the wandering quality, the fireworks, the jet engine, the propulsion, the thrust. It is the idea of the mind, the brain, the neocortex, the one that is highly developed in human beings. It is what makes us unique in ways that are evolutionarily exponentially different. Exponential in terms of the number of neurons, the number of synaptic connections, and in terms of sheer brain power and energy from a compact size. Like all things in the world, it comes at a price. The price is always an energy battle between the body and the mind.
The body is the most primitive system. It is a system of wonder. It is the one that wants to stay put, that seeks peace from within, the one that is extremely perceptive of its environment, the one that has strong triggers, the reflex, the freeze response, the fear response. It is designed to keep you safe. It is there to take care of not doing stupid things. Not doing stupid things is embedded into most animals’ DNA.
But because of the neocortex, the human being will always be at the edge of wanting to do stupid things, because what is stupid is sometimes just perception. It is not the truth, so in order to gain whatever edge the rule maker in power has, they will use a rule book, a system, a perceived hierarchy, to maintain their rank and power. So, a lot of those rules are absolutely stupid. They are designed to keep power, position, rank, relevancy, fame, and fortune for the entitled. The line between seemingly stupid but fucking brilliant, and beamingly brilliant but fucking stupid, is actually minuscule.
Stupidity also makes things easier. They let you find things, they let you play, they put you in a mode of relaxation where your prefrontal cortex shuts up and the body takes over. It plays to feelings, synergies, frequencies, impulses, sensations, emotions, hormones. It is deeper, a survival skill that tells you a lot more about the world and how it interacts with you. But we need to listen, we need to understand. This is the only house we have, we are going to come to terms with it. We need to take care of it deeply, at the cellular level, structural level, circulation level.
We also do a lot of stupid things because we don’t know any better. Like I figured, I have been breathing wrong, sleeping wrong, walking wrong, standing wrong, sitting wrong, and even fucking smoking wrong, and heaven knows maybe even fucking wrong. But we can correct it, and the body rewards enormously, not because it is generous, but because it has no other way. Function is tied to design. It is all about structural integrity and circulation.
Air and water. Two things. Two things that we absolutely cannot live without, but in excess will totally kill us. They form the template for a lot of things that come with life. Air is everywhere, oxygen, carbon dioxide, and nitrogen. It is what we breathe, it is what keeps us alive. Circulation of air. Oxygen in, carbon dioxide out. Day in, day out, breathe in, breathe out.
But you also apparently need nitric oxide. It is present in meat, seafood, legumes, nuts, greens, leaves, roots, eggs, and milk. It is what they essentially call nutrient-dense food. Not getting enough nitric oxide gives the human being a myriad of diseases and symptoms. You know the best way to get it? Breathe right.
Yeah, really, breathe right. Breathe through your nose, don’t breathe through your mouth, fill the lungs with movement of the diaphragm, and slowly exhale as the diaphragm relaxes down. You get enough nitric oxide, you get a clean lung full of cool air, filtered, processed, enriched, and made supply-ready to the cells. It feels like your system was running on Windows and now it is running on Mac.
A lung full of air makes you buoyant in water. It acts like a balloon that inflates and deflates. You are like a wave that breathes in and breathes out. The centre of gravity changes with every breath. It is like we have a wave function and a particle function, in water. When we are still, we bob up and down. When we move, we are like particles, where momentum offers displacement and balance. Like all light and sound, like all rays and radiations.
Either we find solace in being a wave, going up and down while staying in the same place. Or by moving and relying on movement to give us acceleration in the same place. It is the difference between a deeply meditating monk and a high-adrenaline action sports junkie. Both require deep skill, and are intensely rare. But extremes are often closed loops. They don’t offer learning, they don’t encourage openness, they are often biased and prejudiced. But we don’t have to choose, we can be both. Life is a balance. Just know ‘when to do what’, easier said than done, but still.
Life is a balance between a wave and a particle. It is a balance between light and darkness. It is a balance between mind and body. It is a balance between peace and aggression. It is a balance between anxiety and depression. It is a balance between testosterone and oestrogen. It is a balance between sativa and indica. It is a balance between inside and outside. It is a balance between us and them. It is a balance between movement and stillness. It is a balance between vertical and horizontal. It is a balance between learning and unlearning.
Unlearn if you get any new information. Unlearn, no matter how integral it is to your perceived identity. Unlearn. Unlearn. Unlearn. I was very scared of water (still am, but at least now I am beginning to make friends with it). I thought air and water were two extremely different environments, where one is safe and the other is panic. But now I realise water is fluid, it is mostly like air. It is just that it is a lot denser, and it creates pressure that restricts our motion.
I stopped thinking about the swimming pool as a place to go and learn swimming. I go to relax, I go to watch patterns, watch people, mimic patterns, mimic people, understand the body, understand movement. Water offers 800 times more resistance than air. What this means is the biomechanics of walking is 800 times harder. I started walking in a 4 ft pool to figure out which biomechanics of the walk offer the least resistance. I am trying to incorporate what I have learnt in the pool, checking and correcting in the real world, now I walk different and the body starts changing, one breath at a time. More nitric oxide, more immunity, posture gets corrected, which leads to better breathing, which leads to better circulation, which leads to better lymph drainage, which leads to better body and mind.
Maybe my life was metaphorically lived in water, and now I walk in air and am surprised at the lack of resistance. It is a balance between easy and difficult, it is a balance between learning and unlearning.
Hope
All said and done, with all these complexities, we have come to believe that life is hard, it is strenuous, it is exacting. It is, in a lot of ways. But there are moments of pure joy, pure pleasure, pure innocence, pure naivety, pure love, pure beauty, pure peace, pure stillness, pure serenity. When that shit happens, life is sweet, man. It is a sweet sweet sweeet life. One that’s worth living, worth suffering, worth building, worth living.
I have a theory that genetics and epigenetics are grossly misunderstood. What can change, what age can it change, at what stage can it change is all misunderstood. A lot can be changed in your body. Transformation is truly possible. A lot of this is just a structural issue. So what helps? All this trauma, and body locking, and suffocating and cortisol? Do we have any answer? I think we do.
Exercise helps, swimming helps, dancing helps, stretching helps, jumping helps, love helps, touch helps, sex helps, sunset helps, barefoot beach walks help, proper posture helps, proper gait helps, food helps, weed fucking helps, playing helps, competing helps, intimate conversations help, inspiring conversations help, hiking helps, nature helps, hot springs help, hydration helps, nutrition helps, microbiome helps, sleep helps, rest helps, breaks help, baths help, decluttering helps, cleaning helps, being clean helps, organising helps, good environment helps, cutting out toxic people helps, confidence helps, peace helps, support helps, camaraderie helps, being truly seen helps, being truly loved helps, optimism helps, art helps, breathing helps, being present helps, being in love helps, smells help, music helps, moving helps, crying helps, laughing helps, even placebo helps.
Anyway you can use your body to find its emotion, its harmony, you got to do what you got to do. Just do. Just pop some bones and joints back into place. All of these are interconnected, one helps the other, and one day we’ll get to see the compounded interest if we are on a positive trajectory, or the rock bottom if we are in the negative trajectory.
Sensations are what really make the body alive. It makes feelings, it can transform from within. It moves the blood, it signals something. It changes the body from within. But a hell of a lot of this influences what hormones we produce then. All infrastructure should make the lives of people easier, one bottleneck causes chaos somewhere else. It is a complicated system of interconnection, but there is simplicity to it, if we understand the efficiency of it.
We are all just a bunch of hormones. There is a theory that the human brain is incapable of making any decision that is not already a part of their biology and chemistry. I have come to believe it a lot, I still have to get deeper into fully understanding it, but still. What it consequentially means is this, we are born with a certain biology which is pre-built, it has certain receptors, hormones, signals, processes, communication, transportation, delivery, blockage, drainage. Yeah, the human body is like a city, and people are hormones. And whatever decision that you think your rational brain is making now, it was all already there, loaded and ready, just for the right chemical to hit the right spot for you to make that decision. There can be no compound from outside, that can create a chemical that is outside of the capability of the human brain.
In plain speak, we all got a bunch of constants, variables, and environments, and whatever happens there, would have happened to anybody, if they have the same brain and lived in the same environment. So, there is a lot of commonalities between us, biologically, psychologically, physiologically. So, you don’t have to think about geniuses and angels highly, nor think about dumb and evil people lowly. They are just a function of their biology and environment.
Both hormones and people, the ones you need, often take work. The toxic ones, come unannounced. But, the work is the interesting part, not the outcome. Brain is kinda stupid that way, or that is the fucking genius of it. But, any which way, that is the truth. It is the pursuit that is interesting, not the outcome. That’s how addictions work, that’s how doomscrolling works, that’s how dopamine works. It is the reward. The process of pursuit is the best possible state, it is the state that we go back to, because the reward is really there. That’s what moves things, that’s what changes things, in your body, in your mind. The joy is in the doing.
But you got to be good at it. You got to have a mindset that is primed for growth. A mindset, that is designed to be anti-fragile, not just survive, but thrive in pressure. Come out of it better than you came into it. It is all about the mindset. That is the key to everything. But, that doesn’t happen by will. Repeated reinforcements work—positive, negative, toxic, everything. Knowing that, it is best to keep the reinforcements, the feedback, the update, as positive. Not delusional, not unreal, not unreasonable, but positive, whatever that means in your head.
Be optimistic in the grander scheme of things, be skeptical at the detail end of it. Life is a balance, remember, there is no size fits all, there is no bill that suits every occasion. It is a balance, that is the thing what we need to figure out the most, or at least that is the thing I messed up the most. The body-mind balance.
It cannot be at war all the time. That is not a natural state to be in. You could do a thousand things right, and still be fucked because one street has a blockage and drainage overflow. And this mind-body connection is the main transport line, the lifeline of every city, the one that connects the spine and the brain to the body. Think if the suburban rail in Chennai, or subway in New York, is totally unreliable. No matter what good happens, what effort happens, what development happens, what cleaning happens in the city, the city is hardly going to reach the potential in the long term. Bodies can’t even expand and add new things like cities can.
The mindset is to enjoy the everyday. Use the body, love it, move it, wave it, fly it. Use the mind, grow it, reward it, use it, confuse it. This is like that Avatar connection scene. Body is a beast, let the mind listen to it, stop fighting. Begin a synergy, a treaty, a connection, a link. Life has to feel like playing, life has to feel like art, life has to feel like sport, life has to feel like Riyaz, life has to feel like Safar.
Live, Love, Let Go, Let’s Go!
— Shiva